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You’ve got this: Reaching heartless people

July 24, 2019

Nick asks: How do you reach people that you deem heartless?

Hello Nick and thanks the question. You’ve got yourself in a tough position, because you have already deemed them unreachable. It is likely that no matter what they do you will always find them “heartless” and undeserving, thus creating a vicious cycle that will not be resolved unless you change your mind about them.Please accept my apologies for saying something tough to hear, but in this case, it has to happen for your own peace of mind as well as to help others of similar mindset.

Please hear this. No one is “heartless”. What is happening is your perspective, your experiences, and the dynamics of your relationship with them is distorted in a way that appears “heartless”.  Now that you’ve heard this, what are you supposed to do? If you can, please decrease the time you spend, if possible, with them while you work on your judgements and criticisms of others. It is also important to know that these judgements and criticisms are likely just as strong, or stronger toward yourself. To do this, I would definitely recommend some counseling, as this is not an easily self-directed task.

In addition, I am quite sure that this isn’t the only person you feel is lacking in some way. As we grow into adulthood, we have already set specific patterns of behavior and belief systems that keep repeating themselves with different people and different circumstances, but the outcome will be very familiar to you.

One of the first steps is to swallow the pill of acceptance. Accepting that even though you want this to be about someone else, and they may very well be at fault, it is you that is “drinking the poison” by perseverating on this person’s faults. Secondly, you’ll want to dig deep and muster a good dose of willingness. Willing to change your perspective. Willing to see things differently. Willing to own that you have a role in the nature of this relationship. Lastly, you’ll want to get help from a professional with this so that you don’t start getting a “heartless” reputation yourself. Set yourself free, Nick.

All the best, Nick.